It looks like I have some big decisions to make. Where will I live? How will I handle school? How many jobs will I keep (I work three currently)?
These are the problems I’ve been grappling with over this past year. Anything can happen, and that makes me nervous. Every decision made now has the potential to effect my entire life. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Oh well f*** it, life won’t wait until I’m ready.
As I sit here thinking about life, I find myself finally understanding a few things. I could go on and on about what I am going through and stuff, but nobody wants to hear about your problems. People only want to know that it worked out. Damn, I hope it does work out. Lord know I could use some happier days.
I’ve been playing Kanye albums all week. His subject matter seems to fit my life decisions exactly right now. I feel upset, but I know the decisions I made were correct. Now I need to take time to myself to fully realize who I am. It’s like I’m learning about life all over again, but this time it just seems different. Who am I to treat the people that care about me like I do? Why do I do the things I do? What is my purpose. It is frustrating to even think about.
I feel a change is necessary if I ever want to look in the mirror and be happy with the person I see. I need to learn how to appreciate and people even more. Maybe this is an impossible task, but before I can love I have to first love myself, and understand these jumbled up feelings. I think it’s time to go into my mind and do some much needed maintenance.
I feel so confused with myself. Like what do I want? I feel like I’m running away from my own pain, yet at the same time I’m looking it in the eyes. I want so many things, so I guess my frustration is mounting. I just want things to be better in my life. One day I hope it happens.
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I’ve been observing the style of my young peers, and I am shocked at the lack of individuality. It seems like we are all wearing uniforms instead of expressing our own personal style. We spend so much money on “iconic” things like Ray-Bans, Jordans, True Religions, and crap like that. I know I used to do it thinking I was somehow a part of that iconic culture, when in reality I was just a dummy in overpriced pants. During my style journey I have learned so much about myself and what I value. After years of wasting money, I finally decided to take a step back and actually look into what I am buying. I highly suggest that you look into the fabrics, locations, and money invested into making those items that seem so luxurious.You’ll be surprised at how much money they gank out of you.
Jordans are wack as hell, nobody should have to sleep outside for hours in the cold for a pair of wack ass sneakers….that are over 15 years old…..and have come out 3 times before. Even though I like sneakers, I refuse to buy another pair of jays until I know I won’t get shot over them. With that said, Anybody that has bought a pair of jays within the past cycle is a gump. lol
P.S. Obey is wack, nba snapbacks are wack (especially bulls and hornets), letterman jackets are wack.
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It seems this has become relatively routine. Each day my life becomes a little more stressful, and I am forced to face an understanding that some things will happen that I can’t avoid. Then as I become drowned in thought, I subsequently post one of these pitiful post about my pain and agony. I hope one day I can come back to these post, and smile at how far I have come. All I can do now is hope, pray, and be thankful for the things I do have. Here’s to that one day in the hopefully near future.
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Scary right? To come to that realization that nothing you have previously experienced will be the same. Being faced with the thought that you have nobody to depend on but yourself if you want to sustain life. Constantly wondering how the decisions you make today will effect the position you are in tomorrow. Growing is an indescribable experience that everyone must go through yet nobody can properly define. I can explain the physical changes that every human being must have, but I can not accurately capture and relay the mental changes we as people experience.
Once again, I find myself unable to sleep due to a restless mind. I’ve allowed my inner demons to consume my thought process. Do you ever look at yourself and say, what happened to the old me? I think its more like what happened to my old life lol. So many things have changed, and my life is so much more difficult than it used to be. I’m starting to become confused. my mind is constantly jumbled, and its very frustrating. I want somebody to step in and make it all better, but I know that is impossible because the only person that can fix me is me.
So, here we are. A brand new year filled with fresh hopes and dreams. I just hope I find myself in the darkness I created. This year I plan to recover from the pain and torture of the past few years. if I don’t make it… at least I know I didn’t give up. If I somehow some way make it through this, I believe I can make it through anything.
Sometimes my mind is more tangled than the headphones in my pocket
Been a while since I did a happy post, lol. Well, I find myself at the end of another semester. This time I took three classes, and got two B’s and one A. I feel so proud of myself because this was the most stressful semester of my life. Since I am working 3 jobs to pay for my expenses and I’m commuting, everyday was a struggle to some degree. Seeing my grades gave me an amazing sense of confidence in myself. It gives me hope that even though there are so many things set against me I can still make it.
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As I sit in my room thinking about my life once again, I have finally noticed something. I’m hurt, like down to the bone. Why can’t anybody understand the amount of stress and pain I have endured in my life. I guess I just want somebody to take away the pain, but nobody really cares so it seems. From my abuse as a child, to watching my mother pass, to a breakdown in my family structure, to the constant financial issues. Why why why? You would think after all this pain that something good would come of it, but damn all I see is more dark days ahead. I try to tell people my pain, and I feel like they shake it off like it’s nothing. I often feel so alone. I know it isn’t really anybody else problem but a hug every now and then, and some reassuring words from time to time would mean the world.
I feel like I’m going crazy. I have sleepless night and when I finally do sleep I wake up hearing loud noises that don’t exist. All I really want are positive people in my life, and some more personal attention. I want people to understand my struggle. i want people in my life that I feel truly love me. I want….well i guess I want a little too much. No fuck that, I want people in my life that I can bear my true soul too and they will understand me. I shouldn’t feel this alone in a world populated by billions of people. life is taking it’s toll, and I’m not going to act like I haven’t considered calling it quits, but that is foolish and weak. For now I just have to suck it up and keep moving. hopefully as I continue growing I can further understand and express my feelings. Then maybe just maybe I can get others to understand me.
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